Dear Diary

Describing life can be real tough

And sometimes you weren't big enough

In which to write my thrilling stuff

And secrets like my bit of fluff

Years later I look back to see

The fun things that went on for me

Were nineteen eighty-two and three

Just pubs, hot love and ribaldry?

Those attempts to record a golden age

On paper, one week to a page

The length of words a bitch to gauge

Would drive me daily into a rage

Each January I'd set out committed

To ensure that each night I submitted

A passage that events befitted

But some things sadly were omitted

Noteworthy moments didn't fit

So now I'll try catch up a bit

Like Leeds United thrashing Villa

And surprise surprise, I once met Cilla

Iceland fished more than its quota

I bought a rusty old Toyota

Julia's birthday, September first

Findus frozen currywurst

Flooding in the Mekong Delta

A fat arse stuck in a helter-skelter

Michael Foot's misunderstood

Frankie Goes To Hollywood

Russians in Afghanistan

A bunch of freesias for my Nan

Waking up in Barking station

My worst ever case of dehydration

For these events there was no place

Dear diary you're an absolute disgrace

#

It's your diary here

There wasn't the space

We both have regrets

But let's not blame me

Instead let's blame Letts

#

Dear Dairy

An extra pinta, creamy gold top

And if you'll do us a big favour

Two small pots of yoghurt please

That fruity strawberry flavour