It’s good for aches, it’s good for pains

It invigorates old folks and weans

Sends power surging through the veins

Don’t spill it or you’ll block the drains

In our superstores the yoghurt aisles

Are measured not in feet but miles

The government’s compiled thick files

On how it makes we Bulgars smile

Doctor Grigorov’s bacterial work

Identified its healthy quirks

Would bring long life and other perks

If in our gut its microbes lurk

It fills internal gaps and voids

It sooths those stubborn haemorrhoids

To leave you feeling overjoyed

The Jedi feed it to their droids

It sanitises lungs and spleens

Embarrassing rashes you don’t want seen

And places where the cat has been

Some uses considered quite obscene

We’ve been eating it five thousand years

It sharpens eyes and tongues and spears

Adds a unique tang to homebrewed beers

Ladies dab a bit behind their ears

You’ll only find this in our lands

And perhaps a bit out in Japan’s

For the secret of this precious brand

Countless yen have passed into our hands

You can search our shops with all your might

But you’ll never find a Müller Light

All that flavoured stuff’s polluted shite

If it’s not Lactobacillus Bulgaricus it’s just not right

Photograph: My breakfast… Bulgarian yoghurt topped with pine honey. Both locally produced.