I always stand for older folks when travelling on buses

I’m always kind to turtles, dolphins, whales and octopuses

I sympathise with people who need poultices and trusses

I stay away from arguments, from fracases and fusses

I rarely eat the whole KitKat to avoid those sugar rushes

And always put the seat back down; I know what a toilet brush is

I don’t smoke cigs or pipes or spliffs or Cuban fat cigars

I don’t dress up all tarty and hang around in bars

I’m not the fighting kind of bloke with broken teeth and scars

I don’t go racing down the streets in noisy motor cars

I’ve never thrown my underwear at concerts by rock stars

And in all my life I’ve only put ten pence into swear jars

I don’t eat meat or fish or frogs or little dead crustaceans

I no longer fall asleep at night in draughty railway stations

I don’t pretend I’m not at home when visited by relations

And the days are gone for being caught in compromising situations

For achieving this I must deserve New Year’s congratulations

If you count them up I’ve more resolutions than the United Nations