This Sort of Thing...


Black Grape Cat Disorder



Osem our cat is black and white

He’ll eat whatever comes in sight

He eats all day and he eats all night

No bounds exist to his appetite


He eats things cats just shouldn’t eat

A diet not confined to meat

Disgusting things found in the street

Or a lentil curry are quite a treat


Our other cats just growl and glare

The dogs we have don’t get their share

If hungry Osem’s teeth are bare

Awaiting grape or fig or pear


Our mealtimes are always filled with dread

He wants our jam and he wants our bread

You’d think this cat had never been fed

We have to lock him in the shed


From the piles he eats we can tell he

Isn’t ill, he isn’t smelly

We suspected worms were in his belly

When from his arse came vermicelli


Down to the vet we went with haste

All parasites would be displaced

By pills, said the vet looking quite glum-faced

As long as the cat didn’t mind the taste


We broke one up in a bowl with tuna

He’d probably have preferred a king prawn bhuna

We wished the vet had seen him sooner

As he ate the lot all in good humour


But nothing changed for our little glutton

If only cats had a reset button

Or a gastric band that we could put on

To calm our voracious fluffy wee smilodon


Black Grape Cat Disorder

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